[Today’s donation was made to People of Color Against AIDS Network. Click here to see my Pride & Joy Project 2020 Daily Donations List.]
“No fats, no femmes, no Asians” are a common criterion on gay hook-up apps. I also use it as my blog address and as the title of a chapter in my debut nonfiction, Gentlemen Prefer Asians: Tales of Gay Indonesians and Green Card Marriages, about my own insecurities when I realize I’m all three of them.
While I’ve always been comfortable with my femininity, it took me decades to come to terms with my Asian features: the wax-apple nose, the brown skin, the brown-black hair. I was so obsessed with getting lighter skin that I went to the dermatologist to get whitening glutathione injection (it stopped working after a while). But you reach a certain age and unless you have the time and money (and high pain threshold), you begin to understand there are some aspects of your physical appearance you can’t change.
I was really skinny, even borderline underweight. “I could eat everything and not gain weight,” I used to brag. Then my metabolism slowed down and I had to work hard to achieve and maintain a certain body type. Some days, I feel like the sexiest vixen on the planet. Other days, I can’t even see my naked reflection in the mirror.
When I first started taking HIIT bootcamp classes in Pasadena in March 2018, my HIIT trainer asked me what I wanted to look like.
“Kylie Minogue,” I said.
“I think that would require more than exercising and dieting,” he said.
“OK, then Janet Jackson, Rhythm Nation era,” I said, and he made sure I did lots of squats and glute work.
For a long time, bootcamp was a routine. I’d go every Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday evenings, and Saturday morning. It kept my weight in check. I felt stronger, more energetic, more confident in my own body. Then the pandemic hit and the bootcamp closed. I have to make time and push myself to work out alone, and it’s just not the same. I’ve made friends at bootcamp over the years and I miss everybody, even the douchey guys.
I’m still far away from looking like Janet in 1989. I’m what the gays call “skinny fat” – when your limbs don’t look overweight but you have a belly pouch containing all the delicious calories and the carbs because you just can’t stop eating white bread with Nutella at one in the morning.
But today, I want to feel proud of my body. Today, I’m owning my wax-apple nose, my limp wrists, my affection for all things pink and girly and camp, my cellulite, my muffin top, and the arms I’ve worked so hard for.
![](https://fatfemmeasian.files.wordpress.com/2020/06/03-wednesday-pink-fat-femme-asian-square-watermarked-1.jpg?w=1024)
The pink cropped tee I’m wearing is 100% cotton, Gildan shirt whose sleeves and a third of the bottom hem I cut off. I used several dozen Swarovski crystals for the bold, glittery words. And the fact that this shade of pink looks good on me makes me love my Asian skin even more.